Note to Self: Narcissistic people are everywhere, living from a deeply self-centered “I above everyone else” frame of mind. It’s so important to give this way of thinking as little validation as possible while doing whatever you can to genuinely value the whole person(s) before you as (an) equal(s), neither above or less than any of us. Mindfulness around actually practicing/applying this view is key. Please remain aware and alert as best as possible. Enjoy and nurture genuine reciprocity (true connection) with others wherever you can, like the precious life resource that it is.
I think it’s quite common in childhood and early adulthood to have fantasies of grandeur. These can be part of daydreaming, which is often an adaptive coping skill in the face of enduring difficulties in one’s environment that are out of one’s control. I believe more of us than not outgrow the need to focus on these types of fantasies, except, perhaps, on infrequent occasions for sheer entertainment or as part of enduring some acute, unpleasant stress.
Those folks who make it a point to manifest their fantasies of grandeur, no matter what the cost, enter a dangerous zone, ethically and relationally. They have foregone efforts to live from out of true Self, which they surely don’t believe even exists in them. Instead, it becomes all about creating/manufacturing an inflated, sadly false, self that must be constantly fed by external validation from others to exist. Hence, why such a way of living is akin to vampirism, albeit in an emotional, psychological way.
Dr. Ramani S. Durvasula, who specializes in understanding narcissism and helping others heal from narcissistic abuse, urges a paradigm shift in collective thinking and response here around the age-old glorifying of narcissistic behaviors, which continue to be admired and enabled, particularly in leaders. Like her, I see no need to glorify asshole-dom in any form. We survivors of narcissistic abuse and our allies can take back power in sharing and emphasizing other narratives and stop headlining the narcissists’— other than ones, perhaps, in which these kind of folks are finally put in their place with the rest of humanity. After all, narcissists are human like the rest of us, part of the collective “we,” who put on their clothes each day like we all do.
I hold hope that narcissism on both a collective and individual level can be healed, even if only up to a point for actual full-blown narcissists (who are likely incurable, yet possibly somewhat healable). It’s a very tall order, but possible. It comes down to a critical mass of dis-incentivizing and extinguishing overly self-centered behaviors in people and reinforcing healthy, pro social ones, over and over again. I understand, however, that at this moment in time, one might as well try and herd a mass of cats than embark on such a social endeavor I’m proposing. Still, large scale change often starts with widely sharing a proposed paradigm shift and then proceeding to explore ways to execute it. I think many efforts across assorted disciplines and projects (small and large) point to being planted seeds for the growing forth of such a societal shift I’m talking about.
Recently, I did internal play therapy with a client whereby they showed up in their mind in a scene with a small child part of their psyche. I sometimes suggested what they could ask and say to their child part, who presented toys and a story to be acted out with them. The client acted as therapist for their inner child while I was the outer therapist for the adult before me.
The human imagination is amazing, frequently showing us ways to begin transcending difficulties.
I believe everyone has a wonderful Self at their core. I also believe that emotional burdens, originating from painful past experiences, lead many people to express toxic behaviors and engage in toxic relationships (a dynamic whereby physically and/or emotionally harmful behaviors are participated in between two or more people). That is not the same as labeling a person themself as “toxic,” which I do my best to avoid ever doing.
When I use the terms narcissist, narcissism, or narcissistic, I am referring to a certain clustering or set of behaviors being exhibited, not implying that the person or persons of concern are somehow inherently bad or “toxic.” Let’s face it, narcissism outwardly expressed is toxic to others witnessing it and is best dealt with by doing all one can to avoid enabling or reinforcing such behavior. This is ultimately best for anyone acting narcissistically.
Labels are powerful and useful, but, yes, if used thoughtlessly/with lack of discernment, they can be abusive, indeed toxic.
This noticeable opening of my heart has happened before. I’ve briefly written about it on at least a few occasions over past years, including over on Facebook. This time, there’s much more conscious awareness accompanying the process. I’m observing where this is coming from and how myself and others— including dear friends from much earlier times in my life— are connecting so openly and deeply of late. Emerging from over a year of enduring the COVID-19 pandemic has something to do with this, but there’s much more to it than that. Now well into middle age, I think I’ve finally turned a corner in emotional and spiritual development. Better late than never. I’m clearly, acutely aware now how I have discernment ability and choice around when and where to have my heart wide open and when it makes sense to briefly shield it, be that partially or completely so. This is akin to pulling a thick covering over someone or something that requires protection from nature’s harsh elements until one can bring the vulnerable being or object into safety again. I finally trust my own judgment around when to do this with my loving heart and when such action is not necessary. I have admittedly been too over-protected/closed-hearted much of the time, due to being far under-protected during a lot of my childhood/youth. I have been fortunate to live long enough to experience a steady development of conscious awareness, familiarity of heart-centered relating, and how those two can and do work naturally, even gracefully, together.
I am practical and realistic. I know that I need to and shall develop a practice to maintain this open heart consciousness way of living. Over on Facebook, I asked people to refrain from giving me suggestions concerning my spiritual practice. I ask the same of readers here as well. I’m fine with deepening my own familiar practices and exploring more additional options. I can and will ask certain people I know if and when I want suggestions. Please honor this request.
I am grateful to all of my dear loved ones who have helped me along the way with arriving here in this more awake and open-hearted place. Wherever I can, I will continue to be thankful and say how I love them.
Throughout my compulsory schooling, my academic performance was generally poor until my last two years of high school. I went on to graduate from a good state college with Honors in my major (psychology) and, sometime later, earned a Masters degree from the school of my choice, which is nationally respected in the field I’m in (social work). My point here is that I’m a living example among many of how academic performance throughout a child’s development is not the best determinant for her/his/their later success in life. Far from it. Valuing school grades can be over-emphasized and needlessly anxiety-ridden for everyone concerned.
When a child gets low grades on a school progress report, here’s something she/he/they could really benefit hearing from a parent: “You’re not as good or as bad as your grades. You’re still wonderful. I love you no matter what.”
It’s been said elsewhere that magic is a change in consciousness. Healing is one such form of magic. Also, magic equally involves both the recipient and the initiator of it, whereby both parties are directly affected.
I am so grateful to be doing healing work, which truly often feels magical. I’m healing while my clients are too. Thank the gods for this calling I’m in (trauma psychotherapist) whilst so much of the world around us is scarily out of control. I may not have much effectiveness directly out there. But, more up close in my life, I’m reminded that I wield good healing power, which I handle with utmost care and respect.
Please consider replacing the term “social distancing” with “physical distancing.” The latter is more precise and focuses on the actual activity everyone needs to do to mitigate the spread of COVID-19. The former term wrongly implies the concept of socially isolating from others, which is the last thing that should be emphasized. As human beings, we need social connection more so now in these scary times than ever. Language shapes narrative, which, in turn, shapes culture and society. Let’s foster a sense of connection with each other as best we can. One way of doing that is emphasizing the need to be physically distant from people, for the time being until this pandemic is over, but not at all socially/relationally apart where and whenever possible.
In regards to the COVID-19 pandemic crisis here in the United States, my frustration and sadness over not only the lack of presidential leadership but absolute detrimental, minus leadership from out of the White House are felt acutely of late. But, these feelings are placed right up against a strong hope that solid leadership from other quarters, including by some governors, congresspeople, doctors, nurses, and many others around us will somehow be enough to see us through.
Three days ago, I started posting short videos of myself on Facebook, where I talk to my friends and, by the second one (of three at this writing), anyone in general. Due to this pandemic pandemonium, as I’ve been calling the COVID-19 crisis, I’ve felt a need more than ever to be seen and heard, connected and not alone. In a span of five days, my mood state has especially soared up and down, hopeful some days, discouraged the next. I’ve made it my clear intention to remain open to the new possibilities arising from this strange, distressing world situation. This has already borne out some positive experiences and understandings, for which I’m grateful. However, with so many drastic changes happening at once, I find adjusting to them a mix of intriguing, surprising, fulfilling, scary, and unpleasant. Hence, why some days feel better than others. I think this is to be expected. Many of us are undoubtedly experiencing a similar see-saw of emotions.
Just a short while ago, I was soberly reminded of how people besides myself are feeling painfully challenged. Standing first in line with a shopping cart, purple rubber gloves covering my hands to protect me from the corona virus, I waited with several others for our local Trader Joe’s market to open for the day. A sixty-something-year-old woman took a cart and then stood near the entrance, opposite the queue of people. I mentioned to her that the line started over where I stood, to which she angrily snapped, “I understand, but I’m not getting in it! Everyone will be able to go inside anyway!” A short while later, a worker came out to place disinfectant wipes by the carts. He turned to the woman and matter-of-factly reminded her where the line was in order to enter the store. She let fly some “f” bombs at the man and explained that she comes to the store every week, recently had a knee replacement, and would let other people go by to get inside. She just was not going to go all the way down to the end of the line. I chimed in, “So do we,” in response to her fact of frequently shopping at T.J.’s. She then swore at me as well. I gestured with my index finger before my mouth, releasing a “Shhh.”
I take no pride in how I responded to this woman. There I was, not only speaking for myself (as, indeed, I do shop at Trader Joe’s every weekend), but presumptively for the twenty or more people waiting behind me. Such an angry and seemingly entitled response evoked my own “us against you” reply. Having been bullied at school during a good share of my childhood and adolescence, I know all too well how it feels to be singled out and “put in my place” by a group. But, that said, I spoke this morning from a protective, reactive part of me I rarely ever express, getting caught up in this poor woman’s polarizing, angry part of her psyche that spoke from actual pain and difficulty she’d been enduring.
In a short while, I found myself thinking how it was sad this older (than I) woman felt such a need to lead in public from a place of vitriolic anger. Perhaps she could have explained to the Trader Joe’s employee and the rest of us there that she was experiencing some difficulty from having her knee recently replaced. Would it be alright if she didn’t wait in line, but enter the store first so she could then get off her feet that much sooner? This I would have understood and compassionately permitted. She was probably at least sixty-five years old. And gods know what else was going for her in addition to this world health crisis. I wouldn’t be surprised if the worker would have allowed her inside right away, perhaps even a bit sooner than the rest of us. After all, I’ve read about some stores allowing elderly individuals to come in and make purchases an hour or so before the mad rush of shoppers flood in. Of course, all of this is mere speculation, since the scenario did not happen that way. Very likely, the angry individual had already been shamed elsewhere for simply having needs, be it recently and/or repeatedly in her distant past. Clearly, this particular morning, she felt an inner pressure to lead her life as if prepared to fight against the rest of the world. I’ve certainly been there too now and then.
I came away from my shopping trip reminded yet again, more than ever, that many human experiences are greatly shared, including ones that have yet to arise in the future for some. Such circumstances and events have simply not occurred for those people– yet. While it wasn’t me in the moment feeling particularly hurt inside to then harshly defend with anger a deep sense of vulnerability and intense need like this woman customer clearly was going through, it certainly has been me in other instances. If I live long enough, my body will remind me too that I need to get off my feet sooner than those who are younger or have stronger knees. But, I trust I will do all I can to set my anger to the side and lead with a gentler voice and words to advocate for my needs. With age has come some wisdom for me to draw from, should I choose.
Reflecting on standing in that store line, I recall looking behind me more than once at the growing stream of people waiting in the bracingly cold wind of early spring in Massachusetts. We were all in need, coping as best we could in the face of incredible uncertainty, there to get food and other basic supplies. I was impressed with how well-behaved everyone else was being, each and every person undoubtedly filled with concerns about their own and their loved ones’ future. Yes, I was at the head of the line, but well aware how we are all in this together.
Addendum update: Since the above writing, a mandate by the Commonwealth of MA went into effect whereby people aged sixty and older must be allowed the first hour each day of shopping in a grocery store, at the exclusion of everyone else who is younger. The disgruntled woman customer I wrote about can rest easy from now until this pandemic crisis is over whenever she waits in line, first thing in the morning, at Trader Joe’s. She has been fairly and duly accommodated. I hope for her sake that this makes her life a bit easier, enough to hopefully begin to facilitate improving her behavior in public.